Jan 27, 2011

A Cup Of Tea For Bleak Times.




Are you in your comfy chair with a cup of strong tea?  How was your day?  I've got lots to say and unfortunately very little of it is particularly fun, happy or positive.  I'm trying to find the right words and to put things in the right order.  I hope it all makes sense.

On Sunday, I had high hopes of breaking some fabulous news here at SSG.  I was going to observe the traditional first trimester silence because that's what everyone does.  Somewhere around March 12 2011 I was going to climb a mountain and shout from its peak that baby SSG was on their way.

Just a warning, if you've no wish to read about fertility and pregnancy loss, now might be a good time to close the window and have a little look see at Net A Porter.  

The blog wouldn't miss out.  There would be a photo of that first item of baby clothing.  There would also be paragraphs about the need for 2 prams each with different coloured sets of accessories to take into account the season and the family's outfits of the day.  Then I would have discussed the pros and cons of various baby bags.  At this point, sensible readers (who quite possibly are parents themselves and have been there and done that) would have pointed out the folly of my multiple purchases.  I would have been talked out of many, many crazy purchases.  It's amazing how many details of a newborn's life you can plan online these days.  Amazing.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions since Sunday's positive home pregnancy test.  I'm  also sporting bruises in both arms from blood tests.  On the upside, I can fill a yellow topped specimen jar without spilling a drop and won't even bat an eyelid at being told to fill my bladder to have 'both' kinds of ultrasound.  I've been to ED, I've been to a special clinic.  It's different going to hospitals in a non work capacity.  I've cried on the phone to my male boss as I've told him some very personal information.

Unfortunately, nothing is simple about this loss.  I've lost the feeling of being pregnant but my blood tests aren't reflecting this.  I've had an ultrasound that shows no embryo.  We don't know if I've miscarried or if I'm having an ectopic pregnancy.  So I've gone from being pregnant to probably miscarrying to probably having an ectopic in 3 days.  That has got to be some kind of dubious record.

Emotionally, I'm floundering.  I've taken the day off work.  I've immersed myself in routine activities and hoping that the distraction of work this weekend will give me something concrete to do and manage and get me tired enough to sleep at night.  A miscarriage?  Yeah, I could move on from that and keep trying. The possibility of methotrexate and surgical intervention and then trying again possibly with 'help'?  I'm just going to get out there and be melodramatic and pronounce myself Devastated.

I feel like a complete fool for getting so excited about being pregnant.  How perfect the timing was, the symbolism of that timing.  How blessed we were.  Then there are flashes of fear about what's going to happen now and what the bloods mean.  Hope that it will happen is a very alien concept at the moment.  My advice to anyone in my position is to NOT google anything you've been told by your health care practitioners.  Especially if you have a preference for academic publications.  The facts are so much more frightening than the feelings which you know will lift eventually.

This whole experience has changed me and my perceptions of miscarriage.  Having been through one myself, I've discovered just how common they are.  I don't know if this helps me at this point but it is helping me feel less of a failure and keeping those feelings of 'this is a sign I'm just not meant to be a mother' at bay.  For me, whenever bad things happen, I usually find some good in the situation and eventually come to see just how much I actually to have in all aspects of my life.  It's a bit of  struggle with this situation though.  I'm just going to have to listen very hard to what God is trying to tell me about my life and have the faith to accept this.

The new gardenia and pot plant stand from Ikea.

In a bid to turn the day around, I decided to lose myself in the She Shed.  I've always been interested in the symbolism of trees being planted at official ceremonies.  I gave myself over to the orderly aisles of Ikea and found a plant stand and two new plants to add to our potted garden.  There's nothing like an Allen key and a piece of Ikea furniture to take your mind of what's troubling you.

Coincidentally, my new gardenia is a symbol of love, peace, healing and spirituality.  The baby peace lily symbolizes peace, love, serenity and trust.

I've thought long and hard about whether to publish this post.  I've previously said that I've avoided getting 'too personal', 'over sharing' and going on and on about my feelings in this blog.  However, what's happening now is too much of my life to not discuss somewhere.  I think I've written this post 'the right way' for me and I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

I hope this post doesn't rake up feelings you thought you'd 'gotten over' or at least 'controlled' if you've been in a similar predicament.  I also do not want this post to scare or upset anyone who is safely and healthily pregnant.

What I do hope to achieve with this post is to record this painful time for myself so that one day, I'll be able to look back and marvel at how far I've come from this point.  Also, perhaps the comments section may be a good place for anyone who wishes to share their feelings and experiences on an anonymous level and hopefully get some sadness and fear out of their hearts.

Take care and I hope all is well in your world.


46 comments:

  1. You are allowed to be devastated.

    There is no way to go through pregnancy and parenthood without feeling vulnerable and scared. It involves laying your heart on the line.

    Take care gorgeous LMC... I am thinking of you.

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  2. Ohhh, SSG, I'm so sorry :(

    Sending you and Mr SSG much love x

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  3. I am so sad to read your post and my heart really goes out to you. You have every right to be devastated but don't for one second let yourself feel like a failure! Sometimes life just takes a little longer to get it right. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending lots of warm positive thoughts your way. x

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  4. :( Thinking of you. Although I've never been pregnant or had that kind of experience yet my mother (and father) has been through it all,

    My mother went through similar experiences at a similar age.. she probably had about 5 miscarriages, one set were twins in the 2nd trimester. Devastation set in for ages and to be honest with the way my mother treats my brothers as little princes she probably hasn't really gotten over it. But sometimes with a bit of luck you can end up with a daughter and four years later, twin sons which is heartening.

    There was absolutely nothing foolish in your excitement, these things happen... it's everything to gain and everything to lose.

    Also I think that when the time comes, you will be a wonderful mother :)

    Lots of love.

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  5. Oh so sorry. Feel everything you need to feel and then remember, miscarrying is part of fertility. Most of us who have had babies have also miscarried. Take care of yourself. Sending hugs.

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I think that sharing your experience will provide a wealth of support from your many online friends and supporters. I've seen other bloggers say how much the support of their online followers has helped them during difficult times and I hope that you will feel the same. My thoughts are with you and Mr SSG at this time.

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  7. Oh SSG - Of course you are devastated and shocked and sad.I am crying for you. I look forward to the day we read your happy announcement.

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  8. I'll be praying for you... I'm so sorry to hear this.

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  9. Lots of hugs and love from the Kitties. You know how we feel. S xxx

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  10. I'm so sorry to read this SSG & Mr SSG.
    Give yourselves permission to grieve and time to heal.
    Sending you my prayers and best wishes
    xx

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  11. Oh SSG I am so very sorry to hear this news - no wonder you are feeling devastated and sad and confused and it will all feel worse as your hormones won't help either....
    Thinking of you and Mr SSG. Be good to yourself - it will take a while to get back on track again. XXX

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  12. Oh I am sorry to hear this news SSG...experience the feelings that you need to feel...it is a loss and there's no apologizing necessary be it 3 months or full term...many women I know have had a miscarriage...my cousins 40 year old wife had one 3 months before they conceived the birth of their baby who is now 5 months old...do not give up hope.

    I would love to brew a pot of tea and come over with a posy of flowers to cheer you up.

    Be well....

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  13. SSG, I'm so very sorry. There never seem to be the right words to say to someone after going through this. I've been through it and know how numb you can feel. And I've also watched my sisters go through it and it is indeed horrible and unfair. Thankfully we've all gone on to have healthy pregnancies but you don't ever forget the little one(s) that were not meant to be.

    Please take care of yourself and Mr SSG. I am sending you my biggest cyber hugs.

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  14. Oh SSG... I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I hope you and Mr SSG take comfort and can soothe each other, and allow your family and friends to help you in their way. I feel hopelessly inadequate to know what to say (but I couldn't not say anything).

    Take care

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  15. I can't find the right words to say but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you during this time

    BuBbles
    x.

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  16. Oh SSG's, so sorry to hear of your confusing and devastating circumstances. We are sending you lots of hugs and good wishes and can't wait to hear all about your purchases and planning in the future - it will all work out.

    Lotus & Willow
    xx

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  17. I'm so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you. xx

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  18. Hi SSG

    You know this is something close to my heart having just gone through two recently. The pain is unexplainable. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal and get over this. Know I am thinking of you

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  19. Thinking of you dear SSG and Mr SSG

    Much love xx

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  20. Dear LMC,
    I was very sorry to hear your news.
    Thinking of you.
    Take care.
    S.
    xx

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  21. Dearest SSG.
    My heart sank when I read your post. I am so sorry for both you and Mr SSG. I went through this same thing several years ago (i lost a little girl when I was 5 months along) and then had a healthy little boy. But I still think about the what could've even to this day. Do give yourself time to come to terms with what has happened and know that your time for good news will indeed come too.

    You are in my thoughts!!!
    xx
    BB

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  22. SSG, sending you bag loads of cyber love. My heart breaks for you & your partner. Take care of yourself gorgeous girl.

    Katie

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  23. Hi, no words can really help.
    I have been here and would like to tell you the good things to come out of this, stick with me a second here.
    After 6 really brutal losses I have come out the other side with perspective,an amazing supportive husband- who knew he was that calm and cool in a crisis, and the 2 little people I was meant to have.
    I wish for you the same result
    xxx

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  24. I'm so sad for you.
    Please stay away from the medical journals - they put you in a horrible frame of mind.
    Take care both you and Mr SSG.

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  25. This is your blog and you can write whatever you want to! So sorry for what you're going through. Look after yourself. Thinking of both of you xx

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  26. This is very sad news but all I can say is that I went through the same thing and two months later I got pregnant - and that boy is now just about to turn ten and he has a 7 year old sister.
    Take Care
    India

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  27. Oh darling. I am so, so, so sorry. You must feel like you're in a nightmare you can't leave :( I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now.

    Thinking of you darling.

    xox

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  28. Dear SSG,
    I am so sorry to read about your loss. I don't know the right thing to say, but I do want to say how courageous I think you are for sharing your experiences on this blog.
    I have come to know parts of your life through your blog. I have tears for you and Mr SSG right now.
    Take care and take time for yourself to heal and grieve.
    Much love xx

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  29. Hi
    I don`t know what to say:)

    So I will simply say...I am thinking off you:)

    Stay strong - loads of love is send to you from this Norwegian girl:)

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  30. I'm sorry SSG, this is terrible to read. I hope you come out of the experience okay. My mother had two in between the births of my brother and I, and she's never quite gotten over it.

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  31. I think you are very courageous to have shared this with us SSG, and no doubt the sharing will help you heal, as all your readers will be praying and wishing the very best for you on your journey xxx

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  32. I'm Sorry SSG, Big hugs. Take your time and don't rush yourself. I know that the whole baby thing can be all consuming, I've been riding this roller coaster for 2 years.

    I've never commmented on you blog before but an a longterm follower.


    Stay strong, and take comfort from your family and friends.

    Sandyfish

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  33. I've only been pregnant once, and have a healthy toddler now. However I have known several women who have had miscarriages and I know how devastating it can be. My thoughts are with you and your husband. Be gentle with yourself.

    Lots of hugs,
    Simone.

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  34. this book will help you enormously

    Taking Charge Your Fertility - Toni Weschler

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  35. My heart is breaking for you SSG - I am so, so sorry for your loss. My darling sister has just been through the same thing. Sending you lots of love xx

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  36. I was settling in for my Friday blog read fest, as has become tradition for me and I came to you, of course, you have always been so supportive of me and your funny as heck. And stylish. Did I mention stylish.

    I am sending you love. And hugs. And you know, as you have read, I know this stupid moment in time that is now. My heart breaks for you. But holds bucket loads of hope too.

    xoxo.

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  37. I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending cyber hugs and cupcakes to you & Mr SSG.

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  38. Dear SSG, so sorry about your news.
    Thinking of both you and Mr SSG during this tough time. Lots of love and prayers. Take care xox.

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  39. Hi SSG. I'm so sorry to read about your loss. I hope you and Mr SSG can take some comfort soon.

    xx

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  40. Be kind and loving to yourself. As I too found out, miscarriage is very common, but not often talked about.

    I didn't want to hear all the well meaning "it just wasn't meant to be" and "wait awhile & give it some time before you try again" well intentioned comments. I was just angry, sad, embarassed & scared.

    Then I had two beautiful babies, a boy & a girl who are now 16 & 15. I didn't give it time - as some people suggested. For us it was right to try again straight away & it happened fortunately successfully the following month. I really dont think about the 'lost baby' much at all. I just think it explains my desire to have had three kids, but joyfully settle for two.

    All the best honey for your journey.

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  41. SSG, I admire your courage and your willingness to get on with things. Take care and know I'm thinking of you xx L

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  42. naw crap so sorry to hear about your loss miss ssg. my thoughts are with you *hugs*

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  43. Ah mate, that really sux. I can't imagine how you feel, but I must admit that is my biggest fear at the moment. It's not something I've written about on my blog but my husband and I are in the process of TTC and it's hard to keep things in perspective and not freak out about things, and after a loss like yours you must be feeling pretty down. I hope things get better and you get some positive news out of all of this.

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  44. HI SSG. I've only just now caught up with all things Sydney Shop Girl and I am devastated to hear of your loss. That is so sad! And it just plain sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks. I really don't know what else to say other than to say I'm here for you and will continue to be about if you need an ear or a shoulder. Big hugs my cyber friend. Leanne

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  45. Oh honey, I'm so sorry to have not written earlier. I am sending you many hugs and cupcakes and bucketloads of support.

    My brother and I are 10 years apart, and in between, I remember my mother having 2 (or maybe 3) miscarriages - and I remember the pain oh so well. I was old enough to realise what was happening and also to see the pain in her eyes. Even though more than half of all women apparently have a miscarriage, each one of us deals with it in our own way. A priest once said to me that just because something you pray for didn't happen, doesn't mean that God wasn't listening, it just means he has better and bigger plans for us. And I'm sure that plan will reveal itself very soon.

    My heart aches for you.

    M xoxoxo

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