Sep 2, 2011

At Least It's Spring.

My orange tea cup and saucer always makes me smile.  Even today.

Hello Everyone

I felt that I had to write to you all today for a number of reasons.  Firstly, writing for the blog was a part of my day that I really looked forward to in the life before It happened.  The early mornings are difficult at the moment and being able to tap out a few paragraphs with a hot cup of tea at my side brings me back to life before It.  I also haven't cried over my keyboard this morning which is an encouraging step forward.

The operation went well yesterday.  I am back home with instructions to avoid strenuous exercise for a few days.  On the upside, I'm pretty sure this prevents me from doing housework but it also means I cannot go running or swimming. Two things that always clear my mind, if only for the 45 minutes of heavy breathing they involve.  Yes, it's a good thing that I've got my writing to keep me occupied.

I wish to acknowledge and thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for your support of Mr SSG and I during the last few days.  Your comments, phone calls, emails, tweets and willingness to share and empathize have been more helpful to me than you can possibly begin to think.  I have not been able to talk to anyone about our loss without bursting into tears.  Which greatly limits the quality of a spoken conversation.  To borrow a favourite word from our American friends, it has been very therapeutic replying to you.  To be able to articulate the anger, sadness, complete loss of hope, frustration and unfairness of how I perceive the situation to be has made each moment of the day a little easier to endure.

To those of you who have been at the receiving end of my replies, I  know that they do not make easy or joyful reading.  I realize now just how harsh those words must be, especially if you are in fact pregnant, a parent or have been through this kind of loss yourself.  I thank you for bearing my words with good grace and the knowledge that this too will come to pass.  This may not make sense to many of you but one of the most wonderful things you did was to feel angry on my behalf.

Where would this blog be without a gratuitous image of a Louis Vuitton handbag, I ask you?

One day and I hope it's not too far away (because being like this is seriously doing bad things to my looks and being far too kind on my bank balance), I will be a version of the 'normal' me.  No person ever forgets these losses but we all have to continue living the remaining years of life we have been given.  We can choose to do this as a ruined, emotional void consisting purely of cells that work because biology makes them or we can choose to have a human life both blessed and cursed by emotions, thoughts and learning from past experiences.

The down side of living purely on a cold, unfeeling biological level is the damage your selfish decision inflicts on those who love you and will never stop doing so.  It is just not right to compound a year of devastating grief and loss into a lifetime of the same. Of that I am certain.


Back in the land of the living, Campo's Coffee, Newtown.  I can drink coffee again!!   Have promised myself a barista coffee every morning until I get back to work next week.
Two days ago, I never thought I would be able to consider living a human life again.  People are forever telling me what a strong and good person I am (I especially like the use of 'good' here).  In much the same way that others are handy at fixing their own leaking taps or baking the perfect sponge.

For once, I'm going embrace 'strong' and carry on living.  Part of this will involve writing blog posts, I think.  The things I usually write about - food, the Royal families of the world, books, my unwavering support of the French fashion houses and the Euro zone.  I also think it's a good time to read some inspiring biographies.  I will browse Amazon in a minute for a few novels to load on my Kindle. Chick lit just isn't enough at the moment.  Does anyone have any suggestions for good reads?  People who've rebuilt their lives after the loss of a loved one or surviving an ordeal, preferably.

And that's about it.  The rest of my life begins now.  April and September will always be difficult months (EDD of the babies we have lost) but there are 10 other months on the Roman calender.  Surely they can't all get filled with the same!?!?  Not a good time to ask.  Not a good time at all.

If fate brings a little miracle into our lives, I will not question the process. Life is full of 'ifs' and I think my journey in this life is to learn how to be without hoping too hard for 'ifs' to happen.

Love, as always,


16 comments:

  1. Have you read The Mitford Girls by Mary S Lovell. It always absorbs me. xxx

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  2. You express yourself so well. Your determination to be strong is inspiring and I wish you all the very best.

    An absorbing read is Sarah Bradford's American Queen, a life of Jackie Kennedy. It is warts and all, so praps not for the blindly devoted, but a very good read and there is plenty of adversity which Jackie rose above with grace. Sending you much love.

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  3. Once again, I'm totally in awe of your strength and your ability to write things good.

    Have you read The Help? I see it's now a movie. I really enjoyed the book. Most books I have read lately are about roller derby or people who overcame terrible childhoods or disabilities to go on and lead a fulfilling life - don't know if they would interest you? I tend to garner a little hope out of them, for the children I work with.

    Thinking of you both.

    TDM xxx

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  4. Here are a suggestions:

    Anthony Bourdain - Kitchen Confidential - the Underbelly of the cooking world.

    Nuala Gardener - A Friend Like Henry - family with an autistic boy and the dog that unlocked his world.

    Miles Franklin - My Brilliant Career - not technically an auto but a stunning example of Aust lit (think Vanity Fair set in the outback)

    Augusten Burroughs - Running with Scissors/Dry - this guy survived a seriously unconvential upbringing.

    Helen Garner - Joe Cinque's Consolation - follows a family going through a murder trial.

    L
    xx

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  5. Read Clarissa Dickson Wright's autobiogrphy "Spiiling The Beans." She writes a very funny, very moving account of her battle with alcohol and then her career as a TV cook as one of The Two Fat Ladies. Both inspiring and warm and funny.

    xx

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  6. I am glad that you've written today. When I read your previous post, I didn't leave a comment because I didn't know what to say, instead I said a prayer for you and Mr SSG, from my mouth to God's ears.

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  7. I've just caught up on what's been happening. I cannot even begin to imagine this struggle. I've lost my brother but that is totally different, a very different loss. I have no book suggestions other than The Help, which I just finished and loved. A great human story. a very easy read, too. I wish you all the best, lovely. Sending you loads of love and strength and hope and then a bit more love. You write so well, I'm sure it has been therapeutic for you. You're right, be kind to yourself. *Hugs*
    Heidi xo

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  8. A Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh
    it restore my soul and gives me inspiration and strength after each read and I keep a copy handy for times when life gets tough.

    Take care...

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  9. There is no time limit on grief, no secret to getting back to feeling normal. Everyone has their own path and I think you are so brave that you are talking so openly about yours.

    However losing yourself in a book is a fantastic idea. Here are a couple of thoughts of engrossing biographies:

    If you haven't read it, the most inspirational biography ever is A Fortunate Life by AB Facey. Compelling, amazing and makes you grateful for the life you lead.

    Slave: My True Story by Mende Nazer and Damien Lewis is the story of Mende who as an 11 year old (I think) was kidnapped in Sudan and became a slave until she was rescued. An amazing and engrossing story of the slave trade which continues now (she was a slave in the 1990's).

    For good fun and hollywood gossip from the glory days, you can't beat David Niven's "Moon's a Balloon".

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  10. I think you should read the Queen Mother's biography and anything by Julian Fellowes. I also like Aunts Up the Cross by Robyn Dalton- hard to source but SO worth it.

    Further to our chat, everything will work out, because it always does. Really. Trust me on this.

    I personally found the due date of a baby that wasn't going to be born very painful and sad. Ditto Mother's day- I felt I'd been a sort of mother, but where the hell was my baby? Not where it should be which was right here with me. I found a card the other day from Old Mr FF that he'd given me on Mother's Day that said You were a Mother too this year. It still makes me very sad to read that card.

    Life can be very unfair. But I guess that you and I never expect it to be otherwise. Small mercies.

    Frankly, the Universe owes you a break and think there will be some lovely times around the corner very soon for you.

    There had better be.

    Taking joy in domestic minutiae and actioning soothing repetitive tasks can be enormously comforting. So can cocktails.

    You are very much in my thoughts and you know where I am in you need to chat.

    Love K xxxxxxx

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  11. How about Haruki Murakami's 1Q84? Great to have you back. Milena

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  12. I can't say I know exactly how your feeling at the moment but I have been in the same position. In a time that you would hope to the happiest of all things are taken out of your control and decisions are made for you.

    I just hope that you are kind to yourself as you said, as these things do for some us take alot of time. They bring some sort of unspoken connection with your partner and this longing that will one day eventually be filled with the most extraordinary gift of all.

    Throughout my loss I just put my head down and worked really hard achieved things that were in my control so that I could feel the kind of success I needed to.

    You are probably sick of people telling you, but things will work out in the end and you will be the person you have always wanted to be.

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  13. Take care of yourself SSG *hugs*

    I'm enjoying Evelyn Waugh's A Handful of Dust at the moment (one part is very sad though). The Secret of Chanel No.5 is also very good for non-fiction.

    Enjoy your coffees, it's been far too rainy here to even contemplate walking out for one.

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  14. Oh I am so sorry. You write beautifully. I'm sure that doesn't help right now. But you do seem to be so good, and maybe that could help a little. I am just so sorry. Hugs to you.

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  15. Sending you more love and light SSG. My favourite quote is 'everything will be ok in the end so if its not ok then its not the end.' Not sure if that brings you any comfort but it has helped me over the past few months. On the topics of books, one of my most inspiring reads has been Survivor by Stuart Diver - a recount of what he survived in Thredbo. x

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