Oct 18, 2011

I'll Get By With A Little Help From My Friends.



I've decided to stop giving these posts titles like 'Trying Times' because honestly, trying doesn't even begin to describe the emotions, grief, anguish and exhaustion that occur each time.

I'm losing my third pregnancy in a row.  And it's not even December yet.

It was meant to be third time lucky.  I mean, what else could possibly go wrong?  I'm a platinum frequent flyer at my local hospital.  I've been to every ward and department except maternity (and ICU but only because the gods are clearly smiling down upon me at the moment).

But mainly, it was just meant to be.  Because I felt that I was owed a lucky break.  After all I've been through.  After all the baby presents I've bought for other new mothers.  After all the new nieces and nephews born this year.  After all the days I've walked past pregnant bumps and rocking prams.

Statistics.  Let's look at those.  90% of women who lose one pregnancy go on to have a normal pregnancy the next time.  75% of those who lose two in a row go on to have a normal pregnancy.  After 3 miscarriages they go to Hermes and buy their dream bag. Oh, and have a 65% chance that the next pregnancy will be normal.  The ironies of my life.  That on the weekend that I found myself at the top of a notoriously cliquey waiting list I also lost my third pregnancy in a row.  I'm not aware of the statistics for women who have lost 4 pregnancies, perhaps I should start researching the odds for this brave and resilient group of women.  I do know that there is data for up to 6 losses in a row.  Is this when I call it quits, then?

Currently, that bag sits lying on its side still wrapped in its box and perfect bow, on the floor of my wardrobe.  Apparently, the bags are best stored this way as it prevents sagging.  So please disregard the photos you see on the pages of InStyle encouraging you to store them standing upright and without their dustbag or box.  In other insider news, one should only 'carry' these bags for a few hours at at time.  I think four was the magic number.  Are we now to be slavish personal assistants to our handbags?  Apparently so.

I will always treasure this bag.  Not just because of its eye watering price or the fact that it is, objectively, a beautiful bag.  I will treasure it as a memory of the three lives we lost during this painful year.  The bag will stay with me as its guardian (not owner) until I can pass it on to my daughter or the wife of my son or my son himself.

There are not many tears left.  Not none, just not many.  I still have that strange hope that things will be okay next time.  Is this because I refuse to be beaten by this (it's not even infertility anymore, it's recurrent foetal death) for an answer or because I truly want my own baby in my arms?  I think it's both.  I hope it's both.  But these days, who knows just how in touch with my mind and body I am?  Am I refusing to hear what God is practically screaming at me?  Some food for thought as I try to get to sleep over the next few months.

I remember the words of Quentin Bryce and her advice for younger women.  That we can have it all, just not all at the same time.  If I were ever asked to counsel younger women, I would tell them this as well.  But also, that true friends are priceless.  And that these friends may not necessarily be those you went to school with.  They are also people you meet during the rest of your life.  One of the wonders of our time is that 'meeting' is no longer just a physical experience of people sharing a common space.  We can now meet in a virtual world and form friendships that are so real and so lasting.

I'm in the process of trying to get in touch with as many of you, my friends as I can.  For those that I haven't gotten in touch with yet, I hope this post will suffice.

Well, I'd better get going and do my usual pre miscarriage clinic visit routine.  Which involves having a hearty dinner (as I have to fast before the appointment tomorrow in case I need to go to theatre), trying to get a good nights sleep and crossing my fingers I don't need to go to ED in the middle of the night as a patient.  Emotionally, I need to dust myself off, fervently believe that bad luck eventually runs its course and also that there are diamonds to be found in the rubble of human loss and despair.


54 comments:

  1. Dear SSG, I am so sorry to hear your sad, sad news again. You have had a shocking year and I admire your fortitude and resilience. I am sending you my very warmest wishes.

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  2. Dear SSG
    Further to out chat today, this is so unfair. We all love you. We are all here for you xxx

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  3. Oh no... no no no :(
    I'm so sorry SSG.

    Life is so unfair, and it doesn't make sense. And yet you have to have faith that God, or something, is in control. That it was meant to be. There's no other way - we have to have faith in life every day, faith in our reason for being, the reason for life on earth.

    This probably sounds so silly in writing, but it's what I truly believe.

    When you do have a child, it will be with an unexplainable, extra layer of joy.

    All I can leave you with is the suggestion that you google 'success stories after multiple miscarriages' - because there are stories a plenty (I checked!) and a giant virtual hug.

    Look after yourself xo

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  4. This may be an emotion or something that you may or may not relate to.....but I'm slightly jealous that you are able to make it to the pregnant step.....I can't even get to that step.....I guess we may be both feeling slightly broken....

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  5. SSG,

    Please take care of yourself and don't give up. Sending you lots of positive energy, Fifi x

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  6. Awww hon, I knew as soon as I saw your post title what it would be about. I am so sorry it was right :( Thinking of the 2 of you again especially as you go through the next few couple of days x x x

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  7. Take care SSG, I am SO so sorry you have to go through this again. BUT I was watching a thai talk show couple weeks back, and there's this couple who underwent IVF and lost their baby 23 times. They had a baby boy on the 24th =)) Just think of that! There's always hope x

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  8. I'm so sorry SSG. Continue to be strong - your spirit in this awful, dreadfully sad moment is an inspiration.

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  9. Oh SSG, Your beautiful sorrowful writing moves me to tears. I have no idea how you and Mr SSG cope with this terrible distress. Life can be cruelly unfair. I look forward to the day I read the happy news of the birth of the oh so lucky and loved SSG baby.

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  10. Oh SSG, I am so very sorry for your loss! I don't know what to tell you, words are not enough. Lots of love and take care now xxx

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  11. So so sorry that this has happened again. It is just not fair. Thinking of you guys and praying that you never have to go through this again. x

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  12. Oh my darling we are so truely sorry to hear this. Our thoughts and prayers are with you both. We will never stop believing it is possible.

    All our love,
    L&W
    xx

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  13. My heart is heavy for you tonight, SSG.

    The words "I'm sorry" just feel so empty - but I really am.

    Sending you so much love xx

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  14. Take care of your self SSG, I know its hard to stay positive when this happens but keep believing. I start my 3rd cycle soon. I'm still feeling alittle lost but taking each day as it comes.

    Sandyfish

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  15. Dear SSG

    I do know how you feel and then I don't. It is such a personal journey. I admire your strength.

    There are so many stories and we can become consumed by them. Your story will one day be the one meant to be.

    Much love and hugs to you and Mr SSG.

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  16. Ohh I can't believe it - so sorry. My heart goes out to you both. xx

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  17. I'm very sad to hear this, love to you and yours.

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  18. SO sorry that this has happened again for you SSG. You will succeed and it will be joyous xx

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  19. Gosh I can't believe this news.
    I am so very sorry...
    you must not give up hope.

    Sending hugs to you.
    Hostess
    XO

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  20. Oh SSG, I have no words ... Just know that you're in my heart xx

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  21. I cannot tell you how saddened I am to read this post. I was thinking about you and thinking that you have been quiet recently, and thought I would quickly log on before bed to see your blog. I'm so sad to read this, and so sorry that you have had to go through these awful experiences, especially 3 times in one year. I wish there was something that I could do to make you feel better. I don't think a bunch of flowers will suffice this time... thinking of you my friend xx

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  22. Dear Sidney Shop Girl,
    I am so sorry for you to hear these sad news! You must be exhausted, soul and body, and I hope so very much that you have friends that hug you, as we can only via internet. I wish you so much luck and the fulfillment of your dream. We think of you!

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  23. Just wanted to say how sorry I am to be reading this news again so soon ...all my very best wishes and take care.

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  24. Dear SSG, I am so saddened to read this post. Take care and best wishes to you both.

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  25. There are no words I can express that will take away the pain of your sad loss. I don't understand sometimes why this world can be so cruel. All I can say is don't lose hope. Take care xx

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  26. Oh SSG, I am SO sorry you are having to go through this. Will be thinking of you over the next few days and onwards. Keep strong xxxx

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  27. I've never been pregnant, nor even tried to conceive so I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling - the emotion in your post brought a few tears to my eyes. The fact that you want a child so much means, when it happens, you are going to be a GREAT mum...if only all children were so lucky. Many hugs and much love...take care of yourself ok?

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  28. SSG I'm so sorry to hear this. I just read an article this morning that might be helpful http://www.hercanberra.com.au/index.php/2011/10/19/a-common-grief/.

    Hugs to you and Mr SSG. I totally agree with Miss Piggy, you two are going to be fantastic parents and I'm sure the gods will smile on you.

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  29. Dearest SSG,
    This is just so sad and so so unfair. You and your lovely Mr SSG deserve for the universe to give you both a break and allow you to be the wonderful parents you both will be. I am certain it will happen for you but in the mean time my sincerest wish for you is to be kind, caring and nurturing on yourself as you move through these terrible hurts.
    Take care
    Kate Bx

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  30. Dearest SSG,

    I am so sorry that this has happened to you yet again. I just can't imagine what you're going through and I'm sending you strength and love.

    BuBbles
    x.

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  31. i am so so sorry for you both. its not fair. this was beautifully written. thinking of you. xx

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  32. How strong and inspiring you are. I know the pain of a miscarriage, but can't imagine three. Exhausted in mind, body & soul I'd imagine. Hold on to that strong sense of believing, because belief is powerful. I don't know why your journey has to be such a challenging one, but anything is possible.

    I'm sure you don't wish to go through even one more loss, but there are many who overcome heartbreak to be rewarded with a viable full-term pregnancy. My sister-in-law had a healthy son first go, but proceeded to lose six fetuses (the first three single, but her fourth pregnancy she lost triplets - all naturally conceived) before having a healthy daughter. I don't know that I could have tried so many times, but like you, she too 'believed' it was meant to be. Only you and Mr SSG can decide what's right for you. But you know there are lots of hearts out here ready to support you what ever your decision - if you so desire to keep sharing it with us. Thank you again for your strength & dignity xx

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  33. My heart aches for you.

    So, so sorry that this has happened again.

    Much love

    xox

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  34. I read this with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. I feel for you so much. I don't know what else to write other than much love, best wishes and you are so very resilient and insightful. Stay strong.
    xx

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  35. So sorry for you both, sending much love across the world to you. xxxxxxx

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  36. I am sorry to hear your news and I know this is difficult for you but a friend of mine had 5 miscarriages before going on to have two beautiful healthy babies.

    India

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  37. I'm so sorry for your and Mr SSG's loss.
    My thoughts are with you both.
    Xx

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  38. DEar SSG,

    I'm so sorry to hear this terrible news. You are so brave and dignified during an experience when most of us would be falling apart. It is remarkable how you are able to put something so horrible into such beautiful words.

    Thinking of you. x

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  39. My deepest, deepest sympathy. You are in my thoughts and prayers. xx

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  40. Dear SSG, I will keep you and MrSSG in my prayers. I have no words to describe the sorrow I am feeling for both of you right now. Take good care of yourself!!!!

    Lots of love!
    BB

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  41. Thoughts are with you and your husband. How very, very sad.

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  42. SSG I too have had 3 losses over the past year. Thinking of you and hope we both find the strength to keep trying.

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  43. Dear SSG,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your partner.
    JL
    xoxo

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  44. It took me a while to comment. I think, with all your grace will understand that.

    My heart breaks. That is all. And I hold you, my friend, in my thoughts. My hopes are also with you. With all of us waiting.

    Take care of yourself. I'm here. If and when you need me.

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  45. I have only just seen this so very heartbreaking post. It is so unfair that this has happened to you, life can throw some terrible things at us sometimes. You seem so strong, hold tight to that strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  46. OH SSG. Here I am shouting out about my problems with boy child and you are going through this continued heartache. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say. Other than I wish you love ... and hugs ... and lots of yellow ...

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  47. I've been reading your blog for a while now and I am so sorry for your loss, it is just so sad. Thinking of you,

    Joolz

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  48. So sorry to hear this - take good care of yourself.

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  49. My heart is breaking for you right now SSG - I cried when I read this post (no exaggeration). You deserve only good things in life, and I am sending you all my good, positive thoughts. Take care of yourself xx

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  50. Dear SSG

    I have only just come across your blog, and I am so sorry to read this. I know only too well what you are going through having experienced three miscarriages in the past two years. It was after the third miscarriage that they discovered the cause of my miscarriages. I am so grateful that they found the cause(I have translocated chromosomes) and I am very happy to say that I am now 12 weeks pregnant with the help of an amazing team of doctors & geneticists.
    All the best for the future, make sure to take time out just for you. I don't know how to leave my contact details here but if you ever need to talk please let me know.
    Kind Regards
    Stacey

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  51. I don't know how I missed this post. Condolences to you and Mr SSG, thinking of you both.

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