So This Is Christmas.



Hello, dear readers.  

A few words before you consider reading the rest of this post.  For many of you, this will be a very special Christmas.  The first as parent or parent to be, a fiancĂ©, a wife, a grandparent.  For others, this Christmas will be special purely because it will be as happy, boringly happy as it was last year.  Those you hold dear have travelled well this year and together you will celebrate this feat.  If you're in a good place right now, this may not be the post for you.

As hard as it has been to write this post, it had to be done.  I'm not sure if this is 'just right' but it's 'just right for what I'm feeling now'.  My intention is to be able to look back at this post this time next year with the benefit of hindsight and the healing that comes with time.

SSG xxx



I usually don't have to think too hard about Christmas.  The festive season is always a welcome full stop to the year.  There is a familiarity each year to the 'far too early' appearance of Christmas merchandise in the stores.  Which is followed by party invitations.  And finally, things at work start winding down.  Christmas itself arrives and with it the warmth of friendship, love and rosy reflections on the year that was.  It just rolls around each year like clock work.

This year has been different.  I won't bore you with the details but 2011 has been the hardest  and most harrowing year of my life.  At times it has been hard to appreciate the achievements, the holidays, happy times and friendships because they have often gotten lost in the depths of a great deal of pain and sadness.  It is easy to be ungrateful for the blessings of the year as you cynically try to find the 'blessings' in the trials.

I'm also weary and tired.  The cumulative effect of repeated loss, grief, adjustment, going to work, trying to be positive, going to appointments, going to blood tests, waiting, hoping.  And the trying - trying to hope, trying not to hope too hard, crying, trying not to cry.  Going to bed and then waking up to the same thing as yesterday and having to deal with it all.  Again.  And all the while attempting to lead an outwardly normal and functional life.

The thing about years like this is that they make Christmas feel just ... different.  I somehow feel apart at a time when the rest of the world (for once) is preaching togetherness and commonality.  The good will and cheer, the presents, the laughter and the happiness continue around you, occasionally penetrating the little vacuum you now find yourself in (so isolated have the year's events made you feel).  Fortunately, though, the Christmas spirit is a force to be reckoned with.  It's just so contagious.  I think I'm starting to catch it.

Christmas is only a week away now and this has made me think about what I really want to receive.  Some kind of miracle for 2012.  Whether it be motherhood (major miracle), a viable pregnancy (slightly less major miracle) or acceptance of childlessness (potentially most realistic miracle).  Whatever the year may bring, may I accept it with peace and grace.  I have received one gift from this year already and that is strength.   But it is not enough without peace and grace as well as faith.  I have no idea how I'm going to find faith in the process but if I do, I'll share it with you.

And on that note, I will conclude.  Merry Christmas, everyone and may yours be filled with happiness and love.  I know I have so much of both, I just have to get out there and share the love I have received from so many people this year and watch as it brings happiness to others as well as myself.

Take care and God bless.



45 comments:

  1. i hear that you & i have the same goal for next year - as does someone else we both read.

    i am keeping everything [well nearly everything lol] crossed that we ALL get that dream fulfilled in the coming year. 2012, for some reason, feels different. i have hope for next year, something i haven't had in such a long time when it comes to this particular dream but i have it for 2012 but not just for me, for a few people - i will add you to the list now too!

    i hope you have a peaceful christmas, take time to just be, pamper yourself and give thanks to the close of 2011, it's been a horrendous year for so many.

    sending love your way, oh and i'm now also a follower!

    ~x~

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  2. Such a beautiful and reflective post. It must be very difficult for you to need to live an outwardly positive life when you're struck with so much hurt and grief.

    My mum used to get very sad at Christmas time when I was a young child. I asked her why, she said she was homesick, missing her family she left behind in South Africa when she started a new life here. I would say to her 'but you are home', not understanding. Now I understand.

    Christmas is a time of togetherness and when you're missing or wanting the one thing you haven't got, it makes it so hard.

    Often it's a sad time for people - for those struggling with their finances, with lost relatives, the sick, the homeless and those with no family at all. Christmas can be lonely.

    I hope you can get through the season ok and I hope that next year brings a miracle for you and Mr SSG.

    Wishing you all the love in the world xx

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  3. Hello stinkb0mb - let's do this thing! Thank you for your lovely comment.

    SSG xxx

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  4. I know Christmas is not an easy time of year for many people. Forced celebration when you are unhappy is always difficult.

    I hope you are able to catch a little Christmas spirit.

    Wishing you happy miracles for 2012. Don't be scared to keep a little hope going.

    Take care.
    xx

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  5. Your post made me tear up. I could have written that exact same post for the last 5 years and to some extent it still applies in some way this year. After 5 years trying for a child we decided this year that to save ourselves we had to give up on the dream of a child. I know that sounds incredibly sad but I am actually in a much better place now. I hope and pray that you get your bundle of joy next year but I suppose that I also wanted you to know that life will be happy again for you even if it takes you on a different path. I understand that emotional and physical pain that you are going through and even though I don't know you and wish you strength to continue your journey of becoming a mum.

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  6. Anonymous: thank you for your comment and I'm sorry if the post dredged up memories. Take care this Christmas. X

    AFW: I will try :-)

    Carly: thank you for understanding.

    SSG xxx

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  7. Dear SSG,

    It is testament to your strength and courage that you could write such an articulate, reflective and analytical post. Whilst this year has been hard, it should be comforting that you have learned something, even if it numbs the pain the teeniest, tiniest bit. I hope that next year will bring you more happiness, you certainly deserve it, don't ever feel as if you don't. Merry Christmas. xxx

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  8. (C)CG: lovely to hear from you and thanks for the kind words.

    SSG xxx

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  9. Such a moving post. You wrote "may I accept it with peace and grace". You have these in spades, and then some. Positive wishes for you both in 2012 from all of us here.

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  10. I wish I could write such articulate, insightful posts. This is very touching, and I really hope that you can find a few moments of joy during the season, and that 2012 is the antidote for your 2011. xx Kiki

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  11. This post was a big wake up call for me to really appreciate this Christmas - I have been feeling a bit low about my relationship breakup and wishing I had a big family Christmas to look forward to. But I am so blessed to be able to spend it with my beautiful son. And I bet Mr SSG is a bit of a blessing too. All my prayers for you to have a better 2012. xxx

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  12. SS as usual your post was full of grace and dignity as you tabled your horrendous and deeply sad experiences. You have shared your losses and accompanying grief publicly on this blog and all who have read of your experiences could not help but be touched and moved by your losses. I am grateful that you felt able to share it with your cyber friends.
    As everyone have said I wish you and Mr SSG a peaceful Christmas and may 2012 deliver you the happiness and joy you deserve.
    KateBx

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  13. So beautifully written.

    Big hugs and wishing you both joy and happiness.

    TDM xx

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  14. Oh darling, I can only wish you happiness and health next year. You, of all people deserve this. My fingers are crossed for you, I know you'll find peace in whatever the world gives you.

    You've given me a lot to reflect on with this post.

    Merry Christmas

    xox

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  15. Some years we need Christmas like a hole in the head... but still, it's there regardless. I hope 2012 is a wonderful year for you, SSG. It sounds like you have earnt a good one.

    Be grateful this Christmas anyway. That will shut karma right up!! x

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  16. Sean and Kiki Chaos: thank you for your kind words and support.

    Anonymous: I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with the people most special to you.

    Kate B: thank you for the support. It's not so much brave as letting it all out, sometimes.

    TDM: joy and happiness right back to you and yours.

    M: take care and best of luck.

    Maxabella; ain't that the truth. I am going to give it right back to karma, I reckon.

    SSG xxx

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  17. Aww SSG I hope that 2012 is a better one for you and that the grief, sadness and loss don't follow you into the new year.

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  18. SSG, big hugs. Christmas is not my favourite time of the year, but my problems are minor compared to yours. All the very, very best to you and Mr SSG :)

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  19. Thank you for writing such an honest and interesting blog. I have enjoyed reading it throughout the year and wish you and Mr SSG a very happy Christmas and a new year filled with happiness.

    Warmest good wishes Sue

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  20. Merry Christmas SSG - praying for a Christmas gift for you that you sorely deserve. You are just an angel and you deserve every happiness in the world x

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  21. Happy Christmas gorgeous girl. May God bless you with the "things" that you DO deserve in 2012. One of my closest friend has just experienced her 5th loss (and 4th for the year). May it be the last for both of you.

    All my love

    Milijana xxxxx

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  22. I wish for you (and Mr SSG) a wonderful 2012 complete with blessings, whatever form those blessings may take. Life's difficulties don't always make sense, and even though the passing of time brings some clarity, the confusion of the whys and hows sometimes remains. But the one thing I don't doubt is that through all of it you definitely emerge a stronger person. That strength most definitely shows through in you. Lots of love, SSG.

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  23. As always, your writing makes me take the time to stop and think and be grateful. I really enjoy reading your blog and thank you for taking the time to write such honest, interesting and beautiful posts. Wishing for a joyous new year for you and Mr SSG.

    P.S Love the new blogger template - very swish!

    Lots of Love,
    L
    xx

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  24. Merry Christmas SSG.
    I always appreciate reading your honest and open posts.
    I will keep sending positivity and prayers for your Christmas miracle.
    X

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  25. Dear SSG,

    You and I have spoken many times and at length about the challenges ahead. I know you have the strength to face what lies in front of you and the difficulties of the past year will only make you stronger. I could only hope to be as strong as you in a situation such as this. Your posts always make me reflect on what is important in life and to be grateful for all the blessings I have.

    I know in my heart of hearts that there is goodness in your future: happy times ahead for you and Mr SSG. I wish nothing but happiness and joy for you in the year ahead. Enjoy your Christmas and New Year and much love from the Kitties. We are here for you.

    Kitty xx

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  26. I have had some SHOCKING Christmas Experiences- the last year I was married, the 1st one post separation, the one where I had an awful break up, the one where I lost a baby, the one where someone I loved died.... I just think you've got to keep the faith, stay strong, appreciate what you have here and now and live in the moment. You will be a mother one day. A very good one too. I never ever take anything good for granted, not for 1 second, because I always worry that it won't last. 2012 will be good for you L. Surround yourself with those who love you. Best wishes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  27. I wrote a big comment. It didn't suit. Felt clunky and like I tried too hard. So here's my real on; I know, I hear you, it sucks.

    Big love. M xox

    ps. I'm the other one stinkbomb was talking about. ;)

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  28. Big Hugs to you my friend. I know 2012 will bring good things ahead for you and Mr SSG. x

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  29. Thinking of you this Christmas SSG. Strength comes from the most unlikely sources, but the point is, we are stronger than we initially think. I hope 2012 is a year of wonders.

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  30. I wish I could give you a hug for Christmas. I am definitely hoping that 2012 will bring about some major miracles for you and that this time next year, you will be reflecting on the joys that have come your way. I mean that more than words can adequately convey.

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  31. Yup, it has been a bit of a trying year for me too.
    I wish you lots of healthy zygotes and big hugs.
    Cilla xx

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  32. Hi cil
    Thanks for your positive thoughts and I hope 2012 is a fantastic year for you as well.
    SSG xxx

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  33. Lilian
    Thank you for your kindness and hope.  It is deeply appreciated.
    Take care
    SSG xxx

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  34. Very true, Lisa.
    SSG xxx

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  35. Many thanks, Christine.

    SSG xxx

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  36. M,
    Thanks for your empathy - as usual!
    Let's do this thing in 2012!
    SSG xxx

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  37. FF
    You are wise and have great perspective.  Thank you for being such a support this past year.
    SSG xxx

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  38. K
    Thank you, the talks through this year have helped and inspired me.
    SSG xxx

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  39. Thank you!
    SSG xxx

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  40. M,
    Thank you for your well wishes.
    Take care
    SSG xxx

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  41. Dear Anon
    Thank you for taking the time to post and for your prayers.
    SSG xxx

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  42. Thank you Sue.  I am glad that you've enjoyed the blog - the ups and these downs.
    Best wishes for the future,
    SSG xxx

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  43. Sam
    Problems are always big and important for the person enduring them.  I hope you are okay yourself.
    Stay strong
    SSG xxx

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  44. MissPiggy
    Thank you for thoughts and for all the fun you share on twitter.
    SSG xxx

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  45. Dear SSG,

    I admire your strength appreciate your honesty when discussing what is obviously a very difficult topic. I can not even begin to image how difficult this year would have been for you. I hope 2012 brings you lots of love and happiness.

    xo

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