Jan 19, 2012

Dreams and Day Dreams.



When I was a child, dreams were things of happiness and one of the most intensely experienced elements of my imagination.  Such was the power of my good dreams that I had been known to wake up with a  smile on my face, without a wake up call and on a school morning.  Dreams defied logic and reality and that was the fun of them to the usually concrete thought processes of my young mind.

As I've gotten older, I have day dreams instead.  The outlet for my imagination no longer occurs as I sleep but in those quiet moments of the day when I've some time to take a few deep breaths, sit down and be in the moment.  My day dreams are 'reality but better'.  Reworked scripts of things that have happened or photo shopped snaps of how I imagine various perfect moments of my life will look.

The problem I have with my day dreams is knowing which to keep and which to bin.  It's an extension of the intensive declutter of the house this month that has seen me try to re-evaluate just how hard I should cling to and work towards some of my more ... futile dreams.

No prizes for guessing which specific dream I'm referring to here.  Many of you would be familiar with the debacle that has been my journey to motherhood.  The back to back pregnancy losses last year and this current miscarriage that still isn't over after 3 months.  It was having so much fun ruining ruling my life it's carried over with me into 2012, doing its darnedest to impede any progress I have made in 'moving on' and 'looking forward' and 'trying again'.  I have plenty more hopeful euphemisms but 3 is plenty for a single sentence.

I know that there may be a few of you reading the blog who have the misfortune of being in my situation (or much worse) and that you may be following my rocky path as you endure your own so I'm going to be up front in these 'pregnancy' posts about what's happening to me because it would be misleading otherwise.

I mean what if we suddenly find an outfit post on this blog featuring my bump?  What if I were to suddenly devote whole posts to fake complaining about cankles / the pregnant brain / intense morning sickness / food cravings or how fat I look?  Or if the shopping posts featured baby outfits and maternity wear?  The bigger issue will not be your trying not to vomit at the thought of reading the offending posts but how the baby happened in the first place given my history.  You have been so honest to me with your comments, tweets and emails, how could I not be the same in return?

There are some parts of the blog that will be firmly reality based and theses posts fall under that category.  So let's put the facts on the table.  I'm 36 years old and will need surgery at the end of the month.  After that I will have to wait 2 cycles before trying to conceive (and waiting to miscarry again) and at that point I will be being proactive and paying for the privilege and undergoing IVF.  It has been said in the past that I don't come cheap and my desire to be a mother does little to dispel this observation.

The upshot of all of this is that there will be no baby SSG in 2012, no Christmas with baby SSG unwillingly dressed as a snowflake (don't ask).  The best I can hope for is a sober festive season spent dressed in clothes with comfort inserts at the  waist.  I have no choice to accept this.  It angers and frustrates and saddens me but there is nothing I can do to change any of it.  Which makes it all the worse.

When I began writing this post, I had the intention of ending it by saying that I was going to announce my retirement from the pregnancy game and that I would stick to doing what I did best - buying gifts for other people's newborns but I have found new resolve.  I will heed the advice of a wise and good friend of this blog, KB and give my current grief and anger its place and not try to give it more importance in my life than it deserves by ditching my dreams.


41 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for your honesty. I share similar dreams and day dreams in another part of Sydney. Being able to read a blog which I can relate to helps so much. I'm surrounded by fertile people who have no issues. I guess this is the power of Social Media "they" keep banging on about.  You have a fantastic writing style/ I think you are really intelligent and articulate. P.s. I didn't start reading your blog because of this topic.

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  2. The Distressed MotherJanuary 19, 2012 at 7:51 AM

    You go girl.  Embrace that anger and use it for good.  You will beat this.  Thinking of you both.

    TDM xx 

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  3. TDM
    Thank you for being a mother yourself and understanding where I'm coming from and giving me some good old fashioned tolerance on this post.
    SSG xxx

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  4. Hi Melissa
    Thank you for your comment and that reading my blog helps you somehow.  Do take care and best of luck and lots of strength for everything that comes your way.
    SSG xxx

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  5. and this is why your blog is one of my most favourite to read. I appreciate your honesty as difficult as it must be. Never stop dreaming SSG. I wish you all the best with your next chapter. x

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  6. Keep dreaming! Keep hoping! Keep writing!
    Expending anger on things beyond your control-costs energy, going with the flow &exploring other possibilities-priceless.

    I'm cheering you on all the way
    Wishing you the very best
    Xxxxxx
    Galactic

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  7. Thinking of you, SSG. I stand by my tweet yesterday =). A holiday will not solve anything but a new environment to explore sure as hell will be a nice break for the mind - even if only for a short while. Take care of yourself and Mr SSG.

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  8. Leanne Shea LangdownJanuary 19, 2012 at 10:12 AM

    You are beautiful SSG. I have not traveled your journey so I can only imagine the emotions involved, but I still say never stop dreaming and visualising. 

    Yesterday one of my best friends gave birth to her first baby (she is 40) after 8 years of trying (naturally and with IVF).  They wanted to give up over and over and over again after too many disappointments to count.  It was soul destroying. But today as I type this they have their beautiful baby boy in their arms.  It took him a long time to come, but he is here now and everything else pales into insignificance.  Hang in there SSG.  Hold onto your dream ...

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  9. When you want something this badly, how can you give up?
    Fight for it. Do everything you can.
    I hope you get there xx

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  10. How I feel for you. You've endured a very tough time.  I just wanted to send you a big warm hug and lots of strength. I hope your dream becomes a reality soon. xx

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  11. Hi SSG. I'm afraid I am a long-time reader, but do not usually comment. I really enjoy reading your blog and am so very sorry for what you have had to endure. Please don't give up! I'll pray for you that one day there is a lovely Baby SSG lucky enough to call you his/her Mummy.

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  12. Hi SSG,

    I am a long time reader first time poster who felt the need to say thank you for your honesty & do not give up hope.

    I can totally understand and relate to your pain after many years of trying to have a baby I was feeling exactly the same as you do now in January 2011. After feeling ready to give up hope, hubs & I decided 2011 was going to be 'our' year. To cut a long story short after many years of tests, of being examined and probed to the point I felt my body wasn't my own, all the hope and the despair, we finally fell & stayed pregnant with the help of Sydney IVF (they couldn't have been any more wonderful) & acupuncture. I am now 37 soon to be 38 and am awaiting the arrival next week of our little man. It still doesn't feel real after our long, long journey.

    Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all the best for 2012. Stay positive - it will be 'your' year. Miracles can & do happen & I am living proof of that.

    Wishing you all the very best on your journey.

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  13. As everyone says - keep fighting, don't give up on your dream.
    I am so glad this blog provides you with an outlet to air your sadness and also gain so much support.
    Thinking of you xx

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  14. I'm not really sure what to write, but just wanted to let you know that I think about you and your journey very often and I hope your dream soon becomes a reality. Don't give up.

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  15. Hi SSG

    Thankyou for such a beautifully written and honest post.  I am at a loss for words (unusual for me) as I can only imagine what you are going through and I'm sure it is so much harder than what I imaIgine.  I'm glad you haven't given up and you have found some new strength.  If you ever need a boost just tweet about it and we'll all come rallying.

    love
    Susan
    x

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  16. Hi SSG

    Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and hope 2012 is your year

    JoS

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  17. Wishing you strength and hope SSG. Your dreams will come true. I know its hard, but think positive thoughts, keep daydreaming about being pregnant and seeing baby SSG because it WILL happen. When I was pregnant I was diagnosed with a rare vaginal cancer and the whole baby buzz was gone. I was only 10 weeks pregnant when I was diagnosed. I had to have my baby early (by c-section) - she was born at 32 weeks - because the Dr's weren't going to let me go any longer without treatment for my cancer. The day I gave birth to my first child was the day I also lost my reproductive system and hence now Little Miss L is my one and only child. I grieved the loss of my reproductive system, but I feel so very blessed to have one baby and now my health. What got me through the pregnancy were positive thoughts, and lots of them. Focus on them. Stay positive. Repeat positive statements over and over in your head. I know it sounds silly, but it worked for me. C xo

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  18. I'm glad to read that sharing here has given you resolve. You have so many supporters and friends (including me) sending you positivity and strength along with prayers and thoughts that have surely got to be answered due to sheer volume alone. Like FF said, when you're going through hell, just keep going - ok, well I know it was Churchill but its just stronger sounding from FF :) As always, I send you light, love and all the positive prayers I possibly can. X

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  19. Your honesty is appreciated and valued here, I'm sure you know that. Never give up on your dreams. You are an intelligent woman and I think your instincts serve you well. You are not ready to let go of this dream, and blessedly you don't have to. Whatever the future holds, you will deal with it then. Right now you deserve to feel that all your dreams can come true.

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  20. oh you know i totally get, understand and know exactly where you are coming from with this post.

    keeping everything - bar my legs - crossed for you this year!!

    ~x~

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  21. Please don't ditch those dreams.
    I'm sure brighter times are ahead and I'll be thrilled to read all about it when it does!

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  22. Hi Denise
    Thank you for your support.  Keeping my eye out for those brighter times.
    SSG xxx

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  23. Hello, just thinking of you too.  Are you travelling okay right now?

    Take care

    SSG sss

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  24. Oh Catherine
    Thank you for sharing your own story so honestly.  I am so glad that things worked out for you and Little MIss L is safe and well.  I'm getting my ability to focus on the positive back.  Slowly but surely.
    SSG xxx

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  25. Thank you JoS, take care.

    SSG xxx

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  26. Thanks for the support Susan.  I will keep in touch.
    SSG xxx

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  27. Hello Jo
    Best wishes for the birth! 
    Take care and much love,
    SSG xxx

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  28. Thank you Kate, you made me smile.
    SSG xxx

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  29. Hello Brismod
    Thank you for your well wishes.  I have received the hug.
    SSG xxx

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  30. I will, MissDirections and thank you for your hope.

    SSG xxx

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  31. Hey Leanne
    Thank you for sharing your friend's story at just the right time!  You always step in with the right words at the right time.
    Love
    SSG xxx

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  32. Em, I am taking your advice and planning a break in March.  Not long to go and it will help the time to pass.

    SSG xxx

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  33. Thank you, Mrs G!  It's been great getting to know you too.

    SSG xxx

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  34. Thank you, Miss Piggy.  

    Take care

    SSG xxx

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  35. Thanks Renee.

    SSG xxx

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  36. Hi SSG,

    I really hope this year is better for you and I. I understand and know how you feel. It can become all consuming. I'm trying to find ways to deal with it, to dust myself off and try again.  Stay strong, look after yourself  and be kind to yourself.

    Sandyfish

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  37. Oh honey, I can honestly say I know where you are coming from.

    Someone once said to me that its ok to be angry with the world, you have a right to. You need to own that anger, not ignore it. But at the same time, don't let it become so consuming that there is nothing else but anger.

    Don't ditch your dreams, they are wonderful dreams and I have every confidence that you will soon be rocking a pregnancy sack with some awesome flats and high street jewellery.

    xoxo

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  38. SSG please don't give up on your dreams. I wish you all the best as you battle through this next stage & pray that you are blessed with a baby at the end of it all. Thinking of you. x

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  39. Hi SSG

    Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Here's hoping you get to announce the good news you've been waiting for really soon.

    Lots of love to you my dear!
    xxx
    M

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  40. Behind in my blog reading so excuse the late comment...

    I am so glad you haven't given up. So glad.

    Sending you love and best wishes always.

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  41. Delurking, late, having just read. I just wanted to add my voice to those before, to say thank you for being so honest and to send what small hope and encouragement I can. 

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