Sep 5, 2012

Last September.



Writing this blog has and continues to mean so many good things to me.  The word 'good' in the context of this blog also covers a wide range of emotions.  Being able to write about my life and reflections has been cathartic at the time as well as a permanent reminder of exactly how I felt as and when things were happening.

The reason for this reflective post is that it's been a year since a particularly painful and challenging episode of my life unfolded.  Reading my blog posts from this time last year brought back to me what time and a series of blessings have mostly erased from my heart.

It was one of those things that just hit me when I least expected (or needed) it.  Decisions about how to treat the miscarriage had to be made in what seemed like seconds after discovering it had happened.  After the numbness and tears came a long period of anger and hopelessness.  For once in my life, time seemed to stall.  I know I was a very different person over those months than the person I normally am.

Yet through all of it, my friends and loved ones stayed the course with me.  I also made new friends.  The depth and quality of my existing relationships deepened.  As it got easier to talk about how I felt over what had happened, I found myself able to reach out to try and help other people.  It's true what they say about love being a gift that keeps on giving.

Despite the copious amounts of navel gazing that I've done through this blog, I couldn't tell you exactly when life stopped being an exercise in being 'outwardly normal and functional' (my personal goal for the month of September 2011) and returned to being something I experienced without having to think too hard over.  I vaguely remember having to steer myself away from situations that could trigger floods of tears.  I also remember assembling my 'game face' each morning when I got out of the car to get into work.  he routines and obligations of the day carried me through and after a while, I started to notice the things that made me laugh, feel an emotion and truly be in the moment again.  I began to look forward to looking forward to things.

The journey from last year to this has given both strength and calm.  I've also learned acceptance.  Of what has happened in the past and also for whatever the future holds.  I've also been given the courage to make decisions and not live in fear of the potentially adverse outcomes of these.  Instead, I've learned how to live life in my current circumstances without extrapolating too far into the future.

I remember the weather this time last year.  It was just as glorious as it is now.  Feeling the sun on my face and arms brought a smile to my face in 2011 but now that smile has reached my eyes and my soul. I'm in a position in life that I never dared to dream of or hope for last September.  I am 6 months into a mostly blissful and somewhat boringly textbook pregnancy.   Each day seems to read like the text of 'What To Expect When You're Expecting'.

So many things will be different this year.  Not necessarily better but different.  Different things are right for different times in our lives.  Going out on the town last year was about trying to be normal in times that clearly were not.  Going out the town this year will be done sans champagne and will be a last hurrah before life and its responsibilities change again next year.  Whilst Christmas last year was all about escaping to solitude, this year it will be about new beginnings, surrounded by family.

I'm a different person to who I was last year.  I'm also not the same person from the year before those Trying Times began.  And I'm content with this.  The present is a great place to be.


14 comments:

  1. Not sure if I've commented before but I have been reading your blog for some time now, just wanted to say thanks for sharing :)

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  2. Lisa @ Blith MomentsSeptember 5, 2012 at 2:12 PM

    I love this post SSG. Events happen, they change us. We are who we are because of the sum of our experience and so all our experiences, good and bad help build us as people. I am so happy for you that this September is so very different from last year.

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  3. You've been so strong SSG & I am happy that you will finally get to be a mother.

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  4. <3 I'm so happy that things turned around for you, it is amazing how much can change in a year xx

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  5. Ssg,lovely post.so glad to hear you're moving forward to exciting times.my situation was similar to yours with the assisted pregnancy etc we are now proud parents of our three week old precious baby girl-the sleepless nights & other such petty things don't compare to the sense of wonder&amazement that she is New life & our new family! Enjoy each moment! can't wait to see your new arrival very soon xxx galactic

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  6. Beautifully written SSG. I remember vividly those dark September days.
    Its true that hope springs eternal.
    Kate Bx

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  7. I am so happy for you. I remember how sad you were too. I knew you'd have a baby! I still have a present here to send you x

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  8. What a lovely post SSG. Baby SSG is such a lucky bub. He's going to come out into this world to so much love around him. I cannot begin to put into words how happy I am for you and MrSSG. Here's to a fantastic year ahead of you and your family SSG.


    Much Love!
    BB

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  9. Dear Sidney Shop Girl,
    I'm so glad to read your lines! So you have found a calm sort of happiness and acceptance - good! I wish you well - and look forward to your new posts! PS: You'll find me now under berlinletters.blogspot.de - I wanted a rest from Youarewittyandpretty. I'd like if you follow me there! Britta

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  10. Your honest and beautifully expressed writing has been amazing to read and I know when it is my time to take the journey into fertility and hopefully motherhood I will be well prepared and inspired. I am soooo happy for you and love following your story. Love L xx

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  11. I enjoyed your post and feel I know you a little better now. This difficult experience will make you an amazing parent. Congratulations and I look forward to reading more about your journey and the joys that lie ahead of you. I have reared 4 beautiful children, my youngest being 10 now. I wish you all the happiness that will come from the highs and lows of bringing a new life into the world. Giulia.x

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  12. Another beautifully written post. So happy for you. Xxx

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  13. I'm so glad you never gave up on your journey for your very own miracle. Faith and hope are pretty powerful and in just a few short months you will hold the precious result of your strength in those. I could not be happier for you the this Spring brings you a very special new beginning. X

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  14. I am so glad you are happy. I remember the sad time too. I believe you're a truly nice person, which then makes me think your happiness is well-deserved.

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