Last September.


Writing this blog has and continues to mean so many good things to me.  The word ‘good’ in the context of this blog also covers a wide range of emotions.  Being able to write about my life and reflections has been cathartic at the time as well as a permanent reminder of exactly how I felt as and when things were happening.

The reason for this reflective post is that it’s been a year since a particularly painful and challenging episode of my life unfolded.  Reading my blog posts from this time last year brought back to me what time and a series of blessings have mostly erased from my heart.

It was one of those things that just hit me when I least expected (or needed) it.  Decisions about how to treat the miscarriage had to be made in what seemed like seconds after discovering it had happened.  After the numbness and tears came a long period of anger and hopelessness.  For once in my life, time seemed to stall.  I know I was a very different person over those months than the person I normally am.

Yet through all of it, my friends and loved ones stayed the course with me.  I also made new friends.  The depth and quality of my existing relationships deepened.  As it got easier to talk about how I felt over what had happened, I found myself able to reach out to try and help other people.  It’s true what they say about love being a gift that keeps on giving.

Despite the copious amounts of navel gazing that I’ve done through this blog, I couldn’t tell you exactly when life stopped being an exercise in being ‘outwardly normal and functional’ (my personal goal for the month of September 2011) and returned to being something I experienced without having to think too hard over.  I vaguely remember having to steer myself away from situations that could trigger floods of tears.  I also remember assembling my ‘game face’ each morning when I got out of the car to get into work.  he routines and obligations of the day carried me through and after a while, I started to notice the things that made me laugh, feel an emotion and truly be in the moment again.  I began to look forward to looking forward to things.

The journey from last year to this has given both strength and calm.  I’ve also learned acceptance.  Of what has happened in the past and also for whatever the future holds.  I’ve also been given the courage to make decisions and not live in fear of the potentially adverse outcomes of these.  Instead, I’ve learned how to live life in my current circumstances without extrapolating too far into the future.

I remember the weather this time last year.  It was just as glorious as it is now.  Feeling the sun on my face and arms brought a smile to my face in 2011 but now that smile has reached my eyes and my soul. I’m in a position in life that I never dared to dream of or hope for last September.  I am 6 months into a mostly blissful and somewhat boringly textbook pregnancy.   Each day seems to read like the text of ‘What To Expect When You’re Expecting’.

So many things will be different this year.  Not necessarily better but different.  Different things are right for different times in our lives.  Going out on the town last year was about trying to be normal in times that clearly were not.  Going out the town this year will be done sans champagne and will be a last hurrah before life and its responsibilities change again next year.  Whilst Christmas last year was all about escaping to solitude, this year it will be about new beginnings, surrounded by family.

I’m a different person to who I was last year.  I’m also not the same person from the year before those Trying Times began.  And I’m content with this.  The present is a great place to be.


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